All of a sudden, it just hits me again. The hurt and the anger and the bitterness. The feeling of not being worth fighting for anymore. The feeling of love and what I thought it was what we had. That feeling of brokenness. I just never been through anything like this before. This is the hardest breakup I’ve ever been in and sometimes I just feel completely lost at what to do. I know it’ll take time but it’s like I’m just so desperately ready to move on and to let all this hurt go. And when I feel like I’m actually ready to be happy once again everything just comes back to me. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. It just kills me so much. 

I still think about what went wrong in the relationship or what could’ve been done differently to save it, but I know in reality it wouldn’t matter anyways. I’ve got to accept the fact that he just doesn’t want me anymore. There’s a reason behind everything that happened, and no lie, I’ve been trying to search for the answers, but a friend told me that they will come to me when I least expect it. Maybe even when I don’t even need it anymore. I don’t know what God has in store for me, but this break up is part of his plan. And if it’s not Nick, then I know God has someone better for me.

Even though I may be saying that I would want him back, I just don’t think it’s worth all this heartache he has put me through before and now. If I’m going to repatch my heart, I’m just not going to give it to the same person to break it again. Honestly, at first, I really thought we’d get back together. Not now, but maybe sometime in the future. I felt like this was just going to be a “break” for us to better ourselves so if we do end up back together our relationship would be better. I really thought I’ve seen the bigger picture of this, but that’s not it. The bigger picture of this is a learning experience for me. It was a test to show the distance my love can reach for another person and maybe for the next person it can go even farther. 

I know that we are taught to forgive those who hurt us, but that’s not the hard part. Forgetting is. Someday, I will forgive Nick, but those incredible memories we shared won’t just disappear. We may just tuck those feelings and memories away, but every once in awhile they’ll resurface. And then what? Nothing. I just have to remember that he’s merely someone from the past now.