You know, I just don’t get it sometimes. When I’m doing so good and when I’ve reached my happiest, I just get pushed back down by him. All it takes is some text message from him. I’ve done everything in the post break-up cliche book. Block him, change his contact name to “Don’t answer!!!”, put away all of his things out of my site, etc. I really just wanted my space this week and the next week and the week after that, but he wouldn’t stop buggin’ me about why I’m mad. I’m mad because I found out something I wish he didn’t do to me and for that, he completely lost my trust. What made it even worse is that he dropped by last night to pick up his things. Honestly, I wasn’t even ready to face him yet because I was afraid of what would happen. And I was right. Before he came, I was anxious. My whole body was shaking and my heart just kept pounding faster and faster while I was waiting for a text that said “I’m here.” When I finally saw him though, my heart dropped and on the inside, I was crying. I just missed him so much that I wanted to hug him, but you know, I restrained myself just because I was scared of what his reaction might be. I was scared of being rejected. We didn’t even say anything to each other. Not even a “Hello”, or “How you’ve been?” I just gave him his stuff, he gave me back my CD, and that was it. Nothing else. Before he left, he asked, “Why are you mad?” and I said, “It doesn’t matter,” and just like that he drove away. When I went back inside the house, my heart was breaking all over again.
It didn’t even come to me until I called one of my friends. I realized that moment it could’ve been an opportunity for closure. I thought I had the closure I needed the day we broke up, but it wasn’t. That day didn’t compensate for all that hurt & pain that built up in my chest. It’s why I’ve been so bitter and angry lately. I guess it’s just been hard for me to let it all go because I didn’t get the closure that I needed yet. There’s just so much that needs to come out of my system. It just hasn’t been fair to me and I feel like he at least owes me that. As much as I want to close this chapter in my life, I just can’t yet with everything that’s been going on. I’ve done so much to rebuild myself and distracted myself from entering depression. I can say that I’ve made progress, but I’ve realized that there’s that one thing that’s holding me back from completely moving on. I’m the type of person who needs closure to make it easier for me to move on with my life or else I’d just be stuck doubting everything like what I’m doing now.
On top of that, I’m just scared. In the past, we did have communication issues. I’m not saying it’s entirely his fault, but he would never even try to talk to me about our problems. He’s always giving me that bullshit response, “I don’t want to talk about it,” and that shit irritated me to the max. I’m not even sure if he even wants to talk about anything with me anymore. He’s just so used to avoiding the problem. It’s why I sorta just stopped trying…but then that just gets me angry even more that he’s not even trying.
Honestly though, I’m just hoping another opportunity would come by. I really don’t want to be angry anymore, but I do need that closure. I want all of this to just be over.
